Can you relate at all with the title of this post? When you just can’t……
Maybe you experienced loss through divorce or through the death of a loved one?
Maybe you lost your job?
Maybe you moved across the country and feel really alone?
Maybe you are overwhelmed with the status of the world today?
Maybe you are anxiety ridden about this virus and the uncertainty around you?
Maybe you are worried about your finances and how you will pay next month’s bills?
Maybe you are experiencing situational depression?
Maybe you or a loved one just received a scary diagnosis?
Maybe you have been dealing with mental illness for years and are exhausted?
This list could go on and on and it is long because there are many reasons in life that cause us to feel hopeless and to feel like we just CAN’T!
And just because someone doesn’t “seem” like they are struggling doesn’t mean they aren’t. So, note, check on your people.
So what do you do when you just can’t……I will outline some practical ideas that may help you when you find yourself in this desperate place but first I will talk a little about loss and why it is such a tough thing to navigate, no matter the loss.
First of all, if you are experiencing something like I describe above, then it is real. No one else has to get it….no one else has to understand. If it is real to you then honor your emotions. And you do not owe anyone an explanation for how you are feeling. It is not your responsibility to make people understand why you feel the way you do. That being said, if you can find someone you can talk to who is empathetic or who has been through what you are going through, it is a huge help. And I am a big advocate of seeking the help of a therapist!
Loss is all around us. The list I gave above is really mostly, if not all, about loss. Leading up to the loss of my job, my brother and his wife separated. We have a rather small family unit comprised of the two of them, my niece, my mom, dad and his wife, and me; this divorce meant our family was going to change significantly. Holidays weren’t going to be the same. My sister-in-law and I had grown close over the years and I knew that inevitably would change….at least for a time. And I knew the amount of time I would be able to spend with my niece would likely shift as well. As I was trying to be supportive for all and manage my own feelings about things, I lost my job. I had worked for this company for 18 years. I grew up there professionally. I had a family there too….my work family, my work wife, my customers and patients, many who had become close friends. Again, so much loss all at once. Then enters COVID and life as we know it has been gone for many months. Again there was more loss and, with that, isolation as well.
You better belief that I have moments when I think I just cannot do it. I cannot wake up and be positive one more day. I cannot motivate myself. I cannot make myself submit one more resume to get one more rejection letter if any response at all. I cannot put on a happy face when people ask me how I am doing. I cannot get on that spin bike because I literally have no energy at all. I cannot pull back the covers and get out of bed…..I just can’t do it anymore.
But enough of that….what do we do when these moments hit?
Well first we sit in that space and we allow ourselves to grieve those losses. And we may have to get angry and grieve some more. Grief is a funny thing!! We think we are good and then it shows up in the oddest ways and sometimes very unexpected. We must give ourselves time to move through the emotions and be kind to ourselves and patient with the process.
What else? We do one thing! I cannot tell you what that is for you but do one thing…..just one.
Are you zoning out on social media for hours on end? Put down the phone and go for a walk or wash the dishes or color or organize one drawer or one pile.
Are you laying in bed for too long? Well, pamper yourself with a little sleep in or a day of binge watching TV with popcorn but do not STAY there!! Give yourself that wiggle room but then get up. I almost always feel better if I get up….and all it takes is the act of putting my feet on the floor, brushing my teeth, and drinking a glass of water. I am up!
Did you give up on your workout routine? Put on your calendar two appointments to walk – for 10 minutes, 20 minutes, whatever is right for you. Just move. Follow what your body needs. Sometimes your body will crave yoga and sometimes it will crave spin class or kickboxing. Just move, even a little.
Did you give up all fruits and vegetable and move to full-on carb loading? Who cares! Get back on track a little at a time. Do not beat yourself up! Everything in moderation….so move back toward moderation! And give yourself permission to eat the french fries!
And start a gratitude journal. Every day, find three things you are grateful for that day. It can be large or small. Some days, I am grateful for butter or avocados or coffee and some days I am grateful for an aha moment that really shifts my thoughts. Looking at life through a lens of gratitude is one of the most transformative things you can do.
We can be our own biggest critics….so let’s move to being our own biggest fans. Applaud your baby steps…your little victories. Life is not always easy but it is worth it. Find the good stuff and do more of that. And when you feel like you just can’t, know that you absolutely CAN and you will. Believe in yourself and your strength and resilience. And be proud of your courage to take even the smallest step in the right direction. And never give up on you!
Yes.You.Can.
