Can you remember the last time you had a great conversation with a friend? Can you recall a time when you were with a small group and you felt heard? There is something so nourishing about having those moments. And they don’t have to be serious or sad or even solve the problems of the world. These interactions feel so good and feed the soul because, at the end of the day, it is really important to feel heard.
Conversation seems to be fading away. Over and over again I am struck by the fact that we really do not often have a conversation but rather an exchange of comments from one person then another about a common topic or not. We may or may not let the other person finish their sentence before we blurt out our own story. We may just over talk each other or talk AT each other. But it really isn’t a conversation at all. What is missing? Listening is missing. Listening is a learned skill and we can all become better listeners.
What I witness often is someone makes a statement about their own personal journey or experience and then another person makes a comment about theirs – maybe there is a “one up” and maybe it is just an attempt to be relatable. Sometimes the subject changes and sometimes this pattern goes on and on. What doesn’t often happen is this: one person makes a comment about their experience and then another person asks a follow-up question or comments.
Examples of follow-up are:
How did that make you feel?
What happened next?
You have to be kidding me – that had to be tough!
This type of interaction keeps the focus on the initial person reaching out. Instead what happens is something like this:
I am really having a hard time with my son’s behavior at school and I really don’t know what to do about it.
Well let me tell you what happened with my daughter today – you will not believe it.
or
He will grow out of it – it is probably just a stage. My son had times like that as well. Did you read that article in the news about the tiger roaming the streets?
What happens here? That person who initiated the comment was looking for a listening ear…maybe some advice…some empathy. Instead, her friend dismissed her and moved on to a random (though interesting) news topic of the day.
I think two things are happening here.
One is that we all desperately want to be heard. We all have places in our hearts that need healing. We have been living in relationships like this and it has become the norm. And when a “conversation” doesn’t occur, we all just move into the same behavior around us because we think….what the hell!
The second thing that could be happening here is that we have little ability to focus. We are pulled in many directions and are distracted consistently by our phones, watches, and our wandering minds.
Conversation is meant to be fun and can be chaotic and move all over the place going from topic to topic and back again. The verbal volley is absolutely okay and is a part of how we all communicate. I simply feel we are on a slippery slope and are really missing out on engagement with the people we love or are getting to know. Shared experiences are part of life so sharing our stories is wonderful and these stories connect us! However, we must be careful that we are practicing listening along the way.
I encourage you and challenge you (and me too) to try to become a better listener….to really actively listen……to truly engage with the person or group of people…to listen to understand and not to respond. I have left conversations feeling invisible at times, as though my thoughts or feelings or anecdotes about my day do not matter or feeling as though I needed to be rude just to get a word in at all. Luckily, I also have had conversations where I feel heard and understood and truly seen!
Pay attention to your next conversation and make an effort to really listen and engage.
We ALL deserve to be heard because we ALL matter!
