What is they say about change – the only constant is change. And who are “they” anyway?
I don’t know about you but change is not something I necessarily embrace or want – particularly when it is not of my choosing. Change brings up anxiety, fear, uncertainty, ultimately the unknown. If we knew how things were going to work out, change would not feel so daunting……but alas we do not.
What I have learned about change:
In the workplace:
Change happens all the time at work. Policies change. Leadership changes. Bosses changes. Territories change. Responsibilities change. Key decision makers change. The best thing to do is to just dig in and learn and make the change. The longer you push back, the more painful it is. So dig in and be a leader through change whether you are in a leadership position or not. People will notice for sure.
In friendships:
Friendship changes are hard. We have our tried and true besties that we can always count on and then we have some friendships for a season or seasons of our lives. As a single woman at age 49, I have experienced changed with friends as marriages and children come and go. I am grateful for those friendships that have endured those changes but not all do and that is okay too.
I have friends who have been here for me for certain seasons of my life sometimes involving career conveniences. When I moved on from my clinical audiology work, I lost some of my day to day people that I was used to sharing the details of my life. We maintained a friendship but were not able to be as close due to my travel and our general proximity.
When I left my corporate job, the loss felt bigger. I had been there 18 years and felt I suffered so much loss…the loss of my job and my purpose but also the loss of my work family and my work wives. It was a lonely feeling. However, some of those friendships stayed the same and even strengthened. How beautiful that was. People showed up in a way that surprised me at times. In fact, just yesterday, I got a card from a friend from that time. It was just what I needed in this moment.
And sometimes, things just change and shift and that can involve a mourning. Feelings can be hurt whether intentional or not. Maybe someone doesn’t know how to show up for you in that moment. Maybe I judge someone’s actions or behaviors too harshly during a tender time versus showing up in the way they need. Big life changes can really shake people to their core and leave friends wondering how to cope and how to support.
I say to myself and others in these situations – examine your motives and the purity of your heart. Take a moment to reflect. Sometimes you have to let it go. Sometime you fight for it. But in the end you need to extend love and grace and be grateful for the time you shared.
In relationships:
We can have positive change or sad change in relationships. Positive changes like marriage or moving in together involve stress for sure and we need to manage that change and be fair to each other as we navigate the shift. Sad changes are more challenging because usually one person instigated what another person did not want. I think here we have to allow the mourning….sit in the emotions, journal, figure about yourself and the role you may or may have not played. Embrace the growth and indulge in self-care as you heal. And believe that you will heal because you will.
In family:
YIKES! If you have not read Harriet Lerner’s book, The Dance of Anger, please do so! This book quite literally changed my life. Family is a mini culture. However, as life changes occur and individuals come into his or her own, family dynamics can shift. That shift is something that is resisted to say the least. And this happened in all relationships but family is an easy one to discuss. Lerner talks about how we all have a dance – roles we play in our families and other relationships. And when we change and grow, we likely change the steps of the dance. The other parties aren’t comfortable with that so they pull us back in, sabotage our growth, etc….all in the name of keeping the steps of the dance the same. This is precisely why growth can be so lonely.
So as change happens in your life and it will, know that you will have some pull away due to their inability to really accept the change – not because of you – but because of their own discomfort. Does this knowledge lessen the pain – no it does not.
”The only way to make sense of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” Alan Watts
