Is being “busy” a badge of honor? Should it be?

I have thought about this a lot considering I was one of the busiest people on the planet for a long time….and I am not exaggerating. I had a very demanding travel schedule, a full dance card, and made sure to fit in my work-outs as well. Literally every moment of my day, all 23 waking hours :), was scheduled. I had purpose! I had places to be..sometimes 3 places in the same evening! I had call after call after call. I was there for my friends when they needed someone. I was there for my family. I hosted many of our gatherings. in addition, I was a board member for a foundation I was passionate about and traveled around the world changing lives. I was having the time of my life…..living life to the very fullest. And I was utterly exhausted……

I was talking to my therapist today about this very thing as I struggle to get into a new normal for me…whatever that is. I was addicted to being busy really….an adrenaline junky, if you will. My state of being busy and crossing time zones like it was nothing was my identity. This is who I was for 18 years….and I loved it (mostly). I literally used to walk by my couch with a longing to just have the opportunity to sit there and read for one solid hour. However, I knew I couldn’t take the time to sit down because I had so much to accomplish with my very little time at home. Shouldn’t that have been a sign for me to slow down? I knew it was an issue clearly but today when I said it out loud to my therapist, it was disturbing. Currently I struggle with guilt and being hard on myself because I am not up at 5 or 6 am to get my day started. I have set an impossible bar for myself and am, therefore, never as proud of me now as I was then.

I will never forget reading about Arianna Huffington’s collapse and how it changed her entire life. She now has built a company around balance and sleep; she challenges our relationship with our technology which I will address in another entry. I have followed her response very closely and I realize how right she is. It is absolutely ok for me to take the time to sleep until 8:00 or even 9:30…..on a week day! It is a good thing for me to sit on my couch and get lost in a book or an actual conversation with a friend. It is wonderful to take a morning and ride my bike in the mountains or paddle board on the lake. I have been given the gift of free time which I never really had before. It is perfect for me to accept that gift and to enjoy it. Time is a precious commodity and should be treated as such.

Let’s be clear. I do not have this all figured out. It is tough to see my friends and their “busy” lives…..being productive….but also often exhausted as well. I want to be them sometimes! I want to feel busy…and I want a paycheck :). That is my comfort….that is who I was for so long. Change is hard for sure and certainly change you do not choose is tough. Loss of a job and your world as you know it can really shake your confidence. Most of us are facing this on some level with COVID and the changes we have endured. This is a time of learning and self-discovery.

My goal is to give myself a break…extend myself some grace. I want to embrace this gift of time that I have been given…and embrace it without guilt. I am working on the ever elusive balance each day. I am getting a little more comfortable with having lots of time on my hands….and sometimes it is glorious! Should I see myself as less because I am simply not as busy as I once was? Absolutely not! And nor should you!